?In a marriage, disagreement is inevitable, but conflict is optional.
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You say you are ?very committed? to your marriage. But what does being ?committed to your marriage? really mean? UCLA psychologists may have found the answer this question in a new study based on their analysis of married couples over the first 11 years of marriage.
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?When people say, ?I?m committed to my relationship,? they can mean two things,? said study co-author Benjamin Karney, a professor of psychology and co-director of the Relationship Institute at UCLA. ?One thing they can mean is, ?I really like this relationship and want it to continue.? However, commitment is more than just that.?
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Through their research, however, the psychologists found a much better predictor of lower divorce rates and fewer problems in marriage.
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?It?s easy to be committed to your relationship when it?s going well,? said senior study author Thomas Bradbury, a psychology professor who co-directs the Relationship Institute. ?As a relationship changes, however, shouldn?t you say at some point something like, ?I?m committed to this relationship, but it?s not going very well ? I need to have some resolve, make some sacrifices and take the steps I need to take to keep this relationship moving forward. It?s not just that I like the relationship, which is true, but that I?m going to step up and take active steps to maintain this relationship, even if it means I?m not going to get my way in certain areas??
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?This,? Bradbury said, ?is the other kind of commitment: the difference between ?I like this relationship and I?m committed to it? and ?I?m committed to doing what it takes to make this relationship work.? When you and your partner are struggling a bit, are you going to do what?s difficult when you don?t want to? At 2 a.m., are you going to feed the baby??
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Compromise Is Critical
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The couples that were willing to make sacrifices within their relationships were more effective in solving their problems, the psychologists found. ?It?s a robust finding,? Bradbury said. ?The second kind of commitment predicted lower divorce rates and slower rates of deterioration in the relationship.?
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Of the 172 married couples in the study, almost 80% were still married after 11 years, with only about 20% divorced. The formula seemed fairly consistent ? the couples in which both people were willing to make sacrifices for the sake of the marriage were significantly more likely to have lasting and happy marriages.
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The research is published online in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology and will be published in an upcoming print edition.
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No One Said It Was Going to be Easy
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So what does it truly mean to be committed to your marriage?
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?It means do what it takes to make the relationship successful. That?s what this research is saying. That?s what commitment really means,? Karney said. ?In a long-term relationship, both parties cannot always get their way.?
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When couples argue, there are many ways to respond. Couples must understand that there are conscious (obvious) and unconscious (not so obvious) reasons for the emotional response and anger in an argument. This is one of the most challenging aspects of couple?s therapy. To help individuals understand what they are really fighting about isn?t always that easiest thing to do in therapy.
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?One choice,? Karney said, ?is if you dig your heels in, then I can dig my heels in too. I can say, ?You?re wrong. Listen to me!? But if this relationship is really important to me, I?m willing to say, ?I will compromise.? What is my goal? Is it to win this battle? Is it to preserve the relationship? The behaviors I might engage in to win this conflict are different from those that are best for the relationship. The people who think more about protecting the relationship over the long term are more likely to think this is not that big a problem.?
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?When the stakes are high, our relationships are vulnerable,? Bradbury said. ?When we?re under a great deal of stress or when there is a high-stakes decision on which you disagree, those are defining moments in a relationship. What our data indicate is that committing to the relationship rather than committing to your own agenda and your own immediate needs is a far better strategy. We?re not saying it?s easy.?
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Manuevering Through?the?Difficult Times
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?Find ways to compromise, or at least have the conversation that allows you and your partner to see things eye to eye,? Bradbury said. ?Often, we don?t have the big conversations that we need in our relationship. The very act of communicating in difficult times can be as important as the outcome of the conversation. Everybody has the opportunity to engage in a conflict, or not, to say, ?You?re wrong, I?m right.? When people are in it for the long term, they are often willing to make sacrifices and view themselves as a team. They both are.?
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The couples whose marriages lasted were better at this than the couples who divorced, Bradbury and Karney said.
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?The people who ended their marriages would have said they were very committed to the marriage,? Bradbury said. ?But they did not have the resolve to say, ?Honey, we need to work on this; it?s going to be hard, but it?s important.? The successful couples were able to shift their focus away from whether ?I win? or ?you win? to ?Are we going to keep this relationship afloat?? That is the ideal.?
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In a marriage, disagreement is inevitable, but conflict is optional. This is a choice we make, according to Bradbury and Karney. When the psychologists give workshops for couples, they encourage them to discuss a source of disagreement. Finding such a topic is rarely, if ever, a problem.
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The psychologists recommend against ?bank-account relationships,? in which you keep score of how often you get your way and how often you compromise.
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This research may imply that we should be forgiving of the behavior of a loved one and not demand that a spouse change her or his behavior, the psychologists said.
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?If it?s so easy for you to tell your partner to change, perhaps you should just change yourself,? Bradbury said. ?Go ahead and take that on, see how that goes.?
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Bradbury and Karney are writing a book tentatively titled ?Love Me Slender,? scheduled for publication next year, which connects one?s relationship with one?s physical health. Decisions we make about our health when we?re in a relationship are closely connected with our partner and his or her health, they argue.
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Perhaps all this research is a reminder than when choosing a relationship, choose carefully and wisely ? and even then, don?t expect it to be easy.
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February 7, 2012
The Healthy Mind Network
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The above story contains original content and/or information reprinted and editorially adapted by?The Healthy Mind. Material is provided by UCLA and?EurekAlerts.?
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